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Jimmy Kimmel tears everyone up at Upfront’s Roast; Tested positive for Covid today – deadline

Unlike the Upfronts themselves, Jimmy Kimmel did not perform live on stage in NYC today for the first time since 2019. After testing positive for Covid again, the late-night host was forced to change plans and appeared virtually to bring a flamethrower to some of Disney’s executives, streaming dreams and offerings old and new.

ABC Upfront 2022: Full coverage of Deadline

Though he didn’t appear in person at Basketball City at Pier 36 at the end of CEO Bob Chapek’s presentation of House of Mouse and high-flying talent with big frills, the Protean Kimmel was still in fine and fiery shape after two years of pandemic-related virtual roasting. “We don’t do crap, we tell stories,” he proclaimed after flipping through Disney, the “smug bastards” at Netflix, and all their mutual rivals. “Remember, this company owns everything. We own Mickey Mouse, we own Spider-Man, we own the Muppets, the Simpsons, the Kardashians, Encanto. We own everything!”

“We have enough power to build a Death Star – that’s another thing we own!”

ABC’s 2022-23 fall program hosted ‘Bachelor In Paradise’, ‘Abbott’ & ‘Big Sky’ Move, ‘AMLT’ & ‘Wonder Years’

Even by its own admittedly high standard, this year’s roughly 15-minute routine had something for everyone and took on everyone, with maybe even more bite than before – and a slap or two, if you get my meaning.

Here are some of Kimmel’s best zoomed zingers of the afternoon:

BOB CHAPEK
Never before has a Disney CEO spoken upfront, and now we know why. Bob, I think I speak for all of us when I say, “We can’t wait to see you GI Jane 2.”

DISNEY
Disney has been so committed to being inclusive and culturally sensitive since… everyone started being mad at us. But what do you expect? We are 100. This company is 100 years old. It’s our 100th anniversary, and we’re going to celebrate this milestone as only Disney can – by milking the living shit out of it! “100 Years of Miracles.” Isn’t this the show Fred Savage got fired from last week?

THE BACHELOR FRANCHISE
A lot of people have asked how we’re going to keep this Bachelor Franchise fresh – and the answer is quite simple: we are not. We’ll keep doing this until everyone has herpes.

FOX
How was it yesterday with those fuckers at Fox? After two years of telling everyone that Covid is a hoax, they make you take an Uber to watch a cassette! Can you do this? And most importantly, why didn’t we?

NETFLIX
Every year I say, “F*ck Netflix.” This year it came true. I have to admit, after watching these smug bastards choke the life out of us for years, it feels really good to see them deign to sell ads.

ABC
The only thing sadder than the finale for This is us were the odds for the Winter Olympics. NBC paid nearly $8 billion for what turned out to be the lowest-rated Olympiad of all time. It’s surprising viewers didn’t think watching skiers jump in the shadow of an abandoned nuclear power plant was the feel-good story of the year.

You reboot quantum leap and night court. This is not a fall program. Those are the tapes you found in your dead uncle’s VCR.

ABC
We don’t have Olympics Young Sheldon or 14 shows about Chicago – but you know what we’ve got? Nathan fucks Fillion.

BLUE BLOOD
Fox didn’t even bother to release a fall schedule yesterday. Which doesn’t make sense. Why pay in advance at all? What if CBS decides not to release a fall schedule? If there is no fall schedule, how should we know? Blue blood is still on the air? It is, thank goodness. CBS renewed Blue blood – also known as Magnum Pee Frequently – for another 18 seasons. Along with all their other old shows for old people.

NETWORK TV & STREAMER
Let’s face it: our days are numbered. Of course, the streamers crush us. We are a fax machine five years after they invented email. What we’re seeing on TV now is how a horse felt when it first saw a Model T. You know what ABC’s big plan is to win viewers back? Inviting Will Smith to the Oscars next year — and letting him go crazy on whoever he wants. what else can we do There are too many pluses to compete with Disney Plus, Hulu Plus, Paramount Plus, Discovery Plus, Apple TV Plus – it’s a plusterf*ck out there.

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